Rape, Sexual Assault and Purity Culture

Naming what has happened to you is an important part of recovery from any traumatic event. Some people recovering from harm caused by purity culture, may not know the names for and definitions of some of the horrible things they have experienced. So, I would like to start with some definitions.

What is Rape and Sexual Assault?

There is a clear definition according to English Law here https://www.met.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/rsa/rape-and-sexual-assault/what-is-rape-and-sexual-assault/

The Met police website states: “The legal definition of rape is when a person intentionally penetrates another’s vagina, anus or mouth with a penis, without the other person’s consent. Assault by penetration is when a person penetrates another person’s vagina or anus with any part of the body other than a penis, or by using an object, without the person’s consent.

The overall definition of sexual or indecent assault is an act of physical, psychological and emotional violation in the form of a sexual act, inflicted on someone without their consent. It can involve forcing or manipulating someone to witness or participate in any sexual acts.”

There is a clear explanation of what consent is and is not here http://www.consentiseverything.com/

In particular, notice that consent is needed every time sexual activity is initiated, and the onus is on the person initiating to obtain that consent. This remains just as true in a long-term relationship, as when sexual activity is occurring between partners for the first time. Someone who is drunk, on drugs, asleep, lacks mental capacity for any reason, or is unconscious cannot consent. If one person during sexual activity changes their mind and asks the other to stop, they must do so immediately.

Children under the age of 13 cannot ever consent.

The teaching given within the church by some, where girls are that taught men cannot control themselves sexually, so they must dress modestly and not get physically involved with their boyfriends while dating, allows date rape to happen, and for the girl to be blamed. Teaching on consent is absent.

Similarly, the teaching that once married, men are entitled to as much sex as they want, and that the wife’s body belongs to her husband, so there is no such thing as marital rape is very damaging. It allows husbands to rape their wives. Wives think they have no right to say no, or even feel wrong for not wanting sex sometimes. It can also leave them powerless to say “no” to certain sexual activity they may not enjoy or find painful. This is deeply damaging psychologically and emotionally and can lead to feeling of depression, worthlessness, anxiety and even suicidal thoughts. Children who are taught this, watch their mother resisting her husband’s unwanted advances, and think that their mother is in the wrong for pushing her husband away. They are damaged psychologically, and are vulnerable to being abused, assaulted or becoming perpetrators themselves.

What is coercion?

Sexual coercion is when one person pressures another person to engage in sexual activity with them, when they have already expressed that they do not want to. This can be done through repeated requests, manipulative behaviour, using myths or misinformation to persuade the other person, guilting the other person into obligation sex, threats or blackmail, saying the relationship is in jeopardy if they do not oblige, using a power imbalance in the relationship to persuade, e.g. a boss pressuring an employee, encouraging the person to get drunk or take drugs to make them more compliant.

Notice that the person may say “yes”, because they feel they must or should, even though they do not want to.

This is a form of sexual assault.

Consensual sex demonstrates an equal power balance, mutual respect, both partners are free to agree or disagree without negative consequences, no sense of entitlement, and both partners feel safe physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Patriarchal Evangelical Christianity that I was raised in did not teach this. It taught that men had power over women, and that once married, men were entitled to sex. Women had to respect men’s wishes and decisions, but this was not mutual. This led to a culture where obligation sex was accepted as normal and even God-ordained. It normalised abusive behaviour, which is why I include these definitions here. There are still adult Christian women who think they should endure this treatment. There are still Christian books on marriage expounding this view (eg Shaunti Feldhahn, For Women Only, a book I was given when I married, which tells readers that men cannot control themselves and women must pray their husbands do not stray when they see a beautiful woman, amongst other terrible advice).

To spell it out, if you read the comments on Baremarriage.com, or join a Facebook group for women recovering from purity culture, you will read the stories of women who felt obliged to give their man hand jobs while suffering a painful period, who felt obliged to give sexual favours while post-partum and still not feeling well, who felt it was their duty to do painful, or degrading things because he asked or pressured them to, who were told it was their fault that their husband had a porn addiction or an affair, because they were not giving him enough sex. All of this is coercion.

Christians defend patriarchal teaching by saying that the husband is to love his wife and “give himself up for her” or do what is in her best interests. And sure, men who are behaving as decent human beings are not going to oblige their wives to do harmful things. However, what I am calling out here is the toxic structure that is set up as God-ordained, where men are told that they are entitled, have the authority and are to be respected; the toxic culture where women are told they must dress modestly, should consent after marriage, and that men are incapable of controlling themselves, and that therefore it is the woman’s fault if he assaults her or is unfaithful, and that she is failing as a wife if she does not satisfy him sexually.

The reality is these churches continue to DARVO victims – Deny creating a power imbalance is a problem, Attack the victims, telling them it is their fault they are sexually assaulted and Reverse Victim and Offender by telling the victim she is wrong for speaking up and not submitting.

A healthy marriage is one in which the partners are equal, each respects the other and cares about each other’s well-being. Neither partner feels entitled to sex. Sex is not a commodity. People are not objects. Sexual activity is a mutual expression of connection and love for the other, and is enjoyable for both. It is engaged in freely. Each partner takes responsibility for themselves and their own well-being. Each is able to express their own needs and wants, and to listen to and respect those of their partner.

It breaks my heart, that in the church of all places, where Love is supposed to be paramount, that the opposite is still to be found being taught.

If you have been affected by these issues, you can find help at Rape Crisis. https://rapecrisis.org.uk/