This book is sitting at the feet of a master and absorbing a lifetime of wisdom about communicating when the subject and circumstances are hard. It is written by a palliative care doctor, so includes examples from her work as a medic, but is applicable to anyone who wants to improve their listening skills, and have the resources to face those hard conversations.
She writes eloquently about listening to understand the story from the perspective of the other person. She explains that talking about a distressing situation does not cause the distress. The situation does. Not being able to talk about it is worse for most people.
To be a safe listener we need to give control to the storyteller – how and when and where they tell their story. We listen to understand, meaning we cannot be preparing a response until we have fully absorbed what the person said. When we listen well, we create a safe space for the storyteller to suffer and accompany them in it. The listener should leave room for real and important distress to be communicated, not reassured. Then there is the space for new possibilities. Humility as a listener means searching for truth together as peers.
She explains that truly curious questions are open to all possibilities and do not suggest a particular solution.
Pity watches suffering without entering into it, it is about me, not the distressed person.
Sympathy reaches out from a place of safety to try and fix things.
Empathy witnesses, validates and accompanies distress.
Compassion seeks to support the person find their own way through. Solidarity that seeks the other person’s good for the other person’s sake.
The opposite of listening is trying to make things better. It reduces the distress of the listener, not the sufferer. It disempowers them.
This is a powerful book that deserves to be read and reread.
Listen: How to Find the Words for Tender Conversations by Kathryn Mannix
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
Listen Kathryn Mannix
This book is sitting at the feet of a master and absorbing a lifetime of wisdom about communicating when the subject and circumstances are hard. It is written by a palliative care doctor, so includes examples from her work as a medic, but is applicable to anyone who wants to improve their listening skills, and have the resources to face those hard conversations.
She writes eloquently about listening to understand the story from the perspective of the other person. She explains that talking about a distressing situation does not cause the distress. The situation does. Not being able to talk about it is worse for most people.
To be a safe listener we need to give control to the storyteller – how and when and where they tell their story. We listen to understand, meaning we cannot be preparing a response until we have fully absorbed what the person said. When we listen well, we create a safe space for the storyteller to suffer and accompany them in it. The listener should leave room for real and important distress to be communicated, not reassured. Then there is the space for new possibilities. Humility as a listener means searching for truth together as peers.
She explains that truly curious questions are open to all possibilities and do not suggest a particular solution.
Pity watches suffering without entering into it, it is about me, not the distressed person.
Sympathy reaches out from a place of safety to try and fix things.
Empathy witnesses, validates and accompanies distress.
Compassion seeks to support the person find their own way through. Solidarity that seeks the other person’s good for the other person’s sake.
The opposite of listening is trying to make things better. It reduces the distress of the listener, not the sufferer. It disempowers them.
This is a powerful book that deserves to be read and reread.
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